최근 몇달 동안 지독한 슬럼프에 빠져있었습니다. 무기력증? 어쩌면 우울증이었는지도 모르겠습니다. 

해야할 일이 있는데도 하루 종일 아무것도 성취하지 못합니다. 그렇다고 맘놓고 놀지도 못합니다. 그저 책상에 앉아있으면서 끊임없이 문제를 회피합니다. 하루 종일 게임을 할 때도 있고, 별 관심없던 책을 꺼내 읽습니다. 자려고 누우면 내가 참 한심하고 부끄럽습니다. 내일은 달라져야지 결심해도 변하지 않습니다. "결심"이 그저 "희망사항"이 될거라는 걸 이미 알고 있습니다. 중증이었죠. 

시작이 언제부터인지 모르겠습니다. 미루는 습관은 전부터 있었지만 문제는 안되었죠. 대부분 일에 기한은 맞추었으니까요. 그래도 불안했습니다. 스스로에게 만족할 수 없었지요. 최근 일년간 쓴 포스팅이 대부분 저에게 하는 말이었습니다.   

육개월전에 회사에서 레이오프되었습니다. 별로 기분나쁘지 않았습니다. 어차피 로스쿨 졸업을 일년 앞두고 있어서 이번 기회에 로펌에 가서 일을 하면 되겠구나 싶었죠. 근데 아직 자리를 못찾았습니다. 학교를 다니긴 하지만 실업자죠. 몇번의 좌절을 겪으며 마음 고생이 심해졌습니다.

그러면 문제를 해결해야하는데 오히려 회피를 했습니다. 자신감이 떨어지더군요. 스스로 상황을 극복하기보다 쉬운 해결책이 떨어지는 걸 상상했습니다. 복권 당첨 같은 거요 ㅡ.ㅡ 부끄러움에 아무에게도 이야기를 못하고 혼자서만 병들어 가고 있었습니다. 제일 힘든 건 조금만 노력하면 벗어날 수 있는 상황이라는 겁니다. 시간 있을 때 전부터 쓰려던 책을 쓸 수도 있었는데 아무것도 하지 않았습니다.  

이 블로그를 만든게 2007년 7월 4일입니다. 십오년 후의 삶은 내가 책임져야한다는 믿음으로 시작했습니다. 그때는 소위 "잘 나갈" 때였습니다 ^^ 승진도 빨랐고 성공이 보이는 듯 했습니다. 그런데 지금 상황은 더 나빠졌습니다 ㅡ.ㅡ 십오년의 삼분의 일이 지났는데 말이죠. 

다시 시작해야겠습니다. 어느덧 마흔 다섯이 되었네요. 지금의 저는 제가 만든 겁니다. 십년후의 삶도 제가 만들 거구요. 후회하지 않도록 하루 하루 열심히 살아가렵니다. 

요즘 행동과 습관에 대한 책을 몇권 읽었습니다. 전에 모르던 것을 배웠습니다. 잘 조합하면 꽤나 유용할듯 합니다. 제 문제를 해결할 수 있다면 다른 사람에게도 도움이 되리라 생각합니다. 앞으로 그걸 나눠볼까 합니다. 제가 어떻게 변해가는지를요. 

다시 시작합니다. 무엇보다 제 아이들이 자랑스러워 할 아빠가 되고 싶습니다 ^^

What?

Last time, I wrote about how to handle troubled situations. I laid down the best approaches when you are stuck in a difficult situation. I liked it. The three actions you should take in the situation are the best choices, I believe. But, I got another question. Is that it? The thought was very 'Humanistic'. There was no room for Divinity.

So What?

Last Sunday, my church's pastor gave a great sermon. Interestingly, the topic was same. How to handle troubled situations. But the conclusion was totally different my writing.

The passage of the sermon was from Exodus where Moses and Israelite were facing red sea and Egyptian army was chasing them. Israelite didn't go there by a chance. Bible says that God told Moses to bring his people to that place and wait. It was near important army base of Egypt. The instruction did not make any sense. No wonder Israelite complained. But that's when God showed who HE is - dividing Red Sea so people can cross and making it collapsed with Egyptian army.

With God in the picture, it becomes a totally different story.

Now What?

First, do not fear. You need to trust HE has a plan for you no matter what the situation is. You may be there by your mistake or some force beyond your control. Still have faith. HE can turn the trouble into a blessing. HE is the king.

Second, know your place and know how HE works. In previous posting, I said you need to do your best as if your life depends on it. But Bible teaches other way. Sometimes you should shut your mouth and watch what HE does. It is tricky because sometimes HE wants you to act. You need to know how HE works. A good news is as the situation gets worse and you have less options, HE shows greater things.

Third, grow through the experience. HE turns your trouble into a training. Not just a training. It makes you distinguished. Blessing when you are thrown into a fire furnace transforms you. Again, everything is about YOU. HE wants YOU to grow. What HE cares is only YOU.

For recent several years, I have struggled from bad habits. They are including lack of focus, multi-tasking, procrastination, and urge to check SNS and news. It was not bad at the beginning. Even though I used internet, I could control easily. I had good focus. But ironically as I have more load from work and study, I lose focus more.

I don't know which one came first. Lack of focus? Or procratination? Anyway, they are each sides of one coin. When I don't have focus, I procrastinate. In order to procrastinate, I open myself to distractions.

There were several attempts to change my habit with some success. But sooner or later, bad habits come back. Sometimes I see myself watching movies even though final is several days away :( I know it is to avoid pressures. I know the theories of procrastination. I can diagnose myself ... But still MY BEHAVIOR IS NOT ACCEPTABLE!!

Here I try again. I don't remember how many tries I made before. It doesn't matter. This must be the last one. My first target is getting rid of distractions since there are many developed over the years.

Tweeter consumed my time, sometimes a lot. I had good number of followers. I used it to share my thoughts on self-development, politics, and other not-right topics. It was not total waste of time. But I let it go. More harm than benefit.

News portal consumed my attention. It's gone. No urge to check it multiple times a day.

Politics of my home country was important to me. Now I put it in the good hands of people in the land. Anyway, I can't even vote in Korean elections.

Facebook will continue. There are good connections - friends, classmates and collegues. But I will limit my time on it for 10 min per day. I am enforcing myself with 'StayFocused' - chrome extension.

I have two blogs. One in Korean and one in English. I care for them, specially one in Korean. Tons of thoughts I put there. Good connections too. But I didn't write a word on it for a while. I am letting it go too. From now, I will write only on this blog in English.

Still there are unlimited sources of distractions. I need to get rid of them one by one. Oh! I got rid of TV too. There is no cable at my home. Only netflix.

'Focus' - free e-book of Leo Babauta is my guide now for this new journey. Once I succeed with first habit change, I will move toward next one. 'Focus' - powered by unschedule.